Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
