My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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