note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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