My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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