$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
