does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
