Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
