I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
