swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
