New invention idea: vibrating tampons
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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