Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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