"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
