And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
