I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
