bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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