i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
