How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am available for nakedness
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
