fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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