I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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