The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
