I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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