Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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