just tell him i said nine months
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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