I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
