I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
