How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
