you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
