my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we should paint friendship bongs
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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