Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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