I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
