tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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