he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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