Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
