my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it's great music for shaving your balls
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
