Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
