Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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