If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
