It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
