fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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