did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
