The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
