I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
