Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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