I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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