The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
