You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize