The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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