i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
