You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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