At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
