home. puking in laundry basket.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
