would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
