the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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