He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
