The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
