You can't motorboat a personality
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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