Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
