your parents love me but you hate me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
