I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
