Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pants are for mortals
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
