god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize