You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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