I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
