my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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