A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
