What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
