So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
