you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
